In this section we look at some ways you may cope with the news that you’re approaching the end of life.
Learn more about:
- Hearing the news
- How you might feel
- Telling others
- Do people who are dying need to be told?
- Podcast: Living with Dying
We talk about how you may feel after being told you have a life-limiting illness and are approaching the end of life. It also discusses how family and friends may react. Everyone copes in their own way, but it’s natural to experience a range of strong emotions and for these feelings to change often.
Hearing the news
We all know that death will happen to us one day, but most of us hope it won’t be anytime soon. Learning that you may not have long to live can be a shock – even if you were in some way expecting it. You may already know that the cancer has spread, or you may have been feeling unwell, but hearing that you are dying can be extremely upsetting. It may take a while for the news to sink in.
For some people, being told that the cancer can no longer be cured or treated may feel frightening or seem hard to accept. For others, it may be a kind of relief.
There is no right or wrong way to react. Give yourself time and space to take in what is happening. Reach out to friends or family, seek professional help or call Cancer Connect on 13 11 20 – especially in the early days.
You may have lots of questions. This section might help you with information about practical, physical and emotional matters.
You could be focused on getting everything sorted and your affairs in order, or you might not want to think about it for a while. You may not take much information in right away, so try to avoid making big decisions in the first day or two after being told if you can.
How you might feel
Most people have many strong emotions. After the initial shock, it’s common to have feelings of fear, denial, anger, despair, helplessness, anxiety or depression. Your emotions might change, sometimes from day to day or even from hour to hour. This is part of the process of making sense of what is happening.
How you respond to these feelings will vary. You may find it hard to think clearly at times. It’s natural to cry or feel completely overwhelmed; you don’t need to put on a brave face. Other times you may feel quiet and reflective – you may avoid people and not want to talk. You might get a burst of energy or anxiety and start making plans. People often say their fears are stronger when it’s quieter at night.
Some people compare these feelings to waves at the beach. The first wave may knock you off your feet, and then your footing becomes a little stronger. But, at any time, a large wave can suddenly come back and knock you off your feet again. There may also be calm periods between these waves. Your mood may fluctuate up and down.
It may help to talk
You may have your own ways to respond to these emotions. At first you may not feel able to share your feelings, but as you start to process things it may help to talk about them and find a path forward.
You may feel comfortable talking to a trusted family member or friend. Or you could consider seeking professional help through a palliative care specialist or nurse, general practitioner (GP), counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist or spiritual adviser. Other people in a similar situation can offer a unique perspective, so you may want to join a support group.
It’s a hugely shocking thing, but we are all mortal and we all live as if we are not. And that’s one of the hardest things I think; we live as if life will go on forever and we’re so shocked when we find out that it doesn’t.
Susan
Telling people
There is no easy way to start this conversation, but you may find it helps to practise what you are going to say.
- When you feel ready, decide who to tell and what you want to say. Think of answers to possible questions, but only respond if you feel comfortable. You don’t have to share every detail.
- Choose a quiet time and place.
- People react in different ways. They may be uncomfortable or not know what to say. If they get upset, you may end up comforting them, even though you are the one dying. Denial is a common reaction – they may be convinced there’s a cure or that the doctors are wrong.
- If you’d like help telling people, call Cancer Connect on 13 11 20. They can help you find the words that feel right for you. Another option is to ask your doctor or nurse to help you share the news.
For ways to talk to people (including children) about dying, see Emotional and spiritual concerns and Talking to kids about cancer.
Do people who are dying need to be told?
Sometimes family members learn cancer is terminal before the person who is dying. They may think the person is too young, old or sick to be told the truth. They may worry about the health or emotional impact if the person knows they are dying.
People who are dying usually have a sense of what is happening. Trying to keep it a secret may mean they feel alone when they most need support. Ask the person how much detail they want to know and follow their wishes
Knowing they are dying can give them time to prepare for death. The healthcare team can help you have this conversation. They can also suggest ways to explain the situation if the person has dementia, memory problems or issues understanding.
→ READ MORE: Common questions about dying
Podcast: Living with Dying
Listen to more episodes of our podcast for people affected by cancer
More resources
Fiona Wiseman, Senior Social Worker, Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, VIC; Grace Berwald, Consumer; Peta Brydon, Metastatic McGrath Breast Care Clinical Nurse Consultant, The Kinghorn Cancer Centre, NSW; Kate Bunyan, Social Worker, Psychosocial Lead, Cancer and Palliative Supportive Care, Canberra Region Cancer Centre, ACT; Hayden Christie, Medical Oncologist and Clinical Director Cancer Care Service and Clinical Lead of the VAD Service for Wide Bay Hospital and Health Service, QLD; John Clements, Consumer; Claire Davies, Spiritual Care Practitioner, Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, VIC; Joanne Dean, Nurse Practitioner, PEACE Team, Clare Holland House, ACT; A/Prof Michael Franco, Medical Oncologist and Palliative Medicine Physician, Deputy Head – Monash Medical School, Monash University, VIC; Dr Sally Greenaway, WSLHD Director of Supportive and Palliative Care, Senior Staff Specialist Clinical Haematology and Clinical Ethics Service, NSW; Maree Grier, Clinical Psychologist, Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital, QLD; Dr Catherine Joyce, National Manager, Advance Care Planning Australia; Mattesse Kitchin, Consumer; Penny Neller, Project Manager, End of Life Law for Clinicians, Australian Centre for Health Law Research, Queensland University of Technology, QLD; Caitriona Nienaber 13 11 20 Consultant, Cancer Council WA; Palliative Care Australia; A/Prof Joel Rhee, Head of Discipline of General Practice, School of Clinical Medicine, University of New South Wales, NSW.
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