How to help someone who is grieving
It can be hard to know how to help someone who is grieving. You may become lost for words, or feel hesitant about offering practical assistance. However, simply making the offer can let the person know they are not alone.
If you need to support grieving children, it can help to understand that they may react to loss in a different way to adults.
Learn more about how to help someone who is grieving:
- How can I ease their pain?
- Will I say the wrong thing?
- When to suggest professional help
- Ways to help after a loss
- Helping children in your family
Listen to our podcasts on How to Help Someone with Cancer and Cancer Affects the Carer Too
How can I ease their pain?
If you know someone who is grieving, it is important to accept that you cannot and do not need to fix their grief. Grieving is the way we adjust to loss.
It is understandable that the person may be easily upset, so try to be sensitive to this. Their feelings may change often and seem unpredictable. One day the person may feel hopeful, the next day all they may feel is sadness and despair. These ups and downs are a normal part of grief.
It is important to be patient. Don’t expect a bereaved person to feel or behave in a certain way by a certain time. Allow them to do things in their own time.
While practical assistance can ease someone’s burden, especially in the days and weeks after the death, follow the person’s lead about how much help they want. Sometimes getting back into everyday routines is how a person manages their grief.
See Getting Professional Help for more tips on ways to help someone after a loss.
Will I say the wrong thing?
You may want to help, but fear saying or doing the wrong thing. Be honest right from the start. You may need to say, “I want to help, but I’m not sure what to do.” Or “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I do care and I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on.” Your honesty will be appreciated.
However, it is not helpful to say, “I know how you feel.” Each person grieves in their own way. You cannot know exactly how the bereaved person feels, even if you have been through a similar experience or if you are also grieving. This doesn’t mean that your experiences won’t give you a better understanding of the person’s situation, but remember that they may not react in the same way as you would or did.
Give reassurance where you can but don’t try to find something positive in the death. To empathise without suggesting you know exactly how they feel, you could say things like, “Loss can be very difficult to cope with”, or “I imagine you feel very uncertain about what to do next.”
When to suggest professional help
It is normal for a person’s grief and sadness to go on for some months or longer. Sometimes, however, a person experiencing grief can become overwhelmed and may develop depression or suicidal thoughts. You could suggest that they seek professional help if they are:
- having trouble completing the tasks of daily living
- seem to be relying on alcohol or drugs
- no longer eating regularly
- sleeping too much or having a lot of trouble sleeping
- talking about hurting someone because of their feelings of anger or aggression
- talking about self-harm or taking their own life.
If you are concerned that the person may become suicidal, ask them if they think they are doing okay and encourage them to seek professional support. You may need to ask directly, “Have you felt suicidal?” This can indicate that you can offer help and take some of the power out of the feelings the person is having. Keep in touch if you are concerned about their wellbeing or safety.
Ways to help after a loss
Here are some ways to help someone after a loss:
- Listen – Be a good listener and don’t force someone to talk. Just being by their side may be enough. They will talk when they are ready.
- Step in – If needed, help with practical chores such as shopping, laundry, gardening, picking the kids up from school, caring for elderly parents, paying bills, cooking and driving.
- Stick around – Don’t withdraw your support once you feel the person is coping better. Grief from a major loss can take a long time. Your support may be more helpful months or even years down the track than right after the death.
- Remember – Let the person know you are thinking of them on significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries.
- Reminisce – Talk about the person who died. Don’t be afraid to use their name or fear that it will be upsetting. The person you are supporting won’t have forgotten about
their loss.
Click on the icon below to download a PDF booklet on understanding grief
Instructions for downloading and reading EPUB files
Apple devices
The iBooks application must be installed on your Apple device before you can read the EPUB.
Different ways to download an EPUB file to your Apple device:
- email EPUB files to yourself and transfer the attachment to iBooks.
- copy EPUB files into DropBox (or a similar service) and use the DropBox app to send them to iBooks.
- open EPUB files directly from Mobile Safari and open them in iBooks, where they are saved automatically by downloading the EPUB from the website.
Need more help? Visit: http://support.apple.com/kb/HT4059
Kobo
To download an EPUB file to your Kobo from a Windows computer:
- download and save the EPUB directly onto your desktop.
- connect your Kobo to your computer using the USB cable and tap “Connect” on your eReader.
- select “Open folder to view files” to view the contents of your Kobo.
- navigate to where you have stored your EPUB file in “Finder”, in documents or downloads, and drag and drop it into the Kobo window. You can now disconnect your Kobo to read the eBook.
To download an EPUB to your Kobo from a Mac:
- download and save the EPUB directly onto your desktop.
- connect your Kobo to your computer using the USB cable and tap “Connect” on your eReader.
- open your “Finder” application.
- select “Kobo eReader” from the listed devices to view the contents of your Kobo.
- navigate to where you have stored your EPUB file in “Finder”, probably in documents or downloads, and drag and drop it into the Kobo window. You can now disconnect your Kobo to read the eBook.
Turn on your Kobo and your EPUB will be located in “eBooks”, while a PDF will be located in “Documents”.
Need more information? Visit: http://www.kobo.com/help/koboaura/response/?id=3784&type=3
Sony Reader
To download an EPUB file on your Sony Reader™:
- ensure you have already installed the Reader™ Library for PC/Mac software
- select the eBook you want from our website and click the link to download it.
- connect the Reader™ to your computer.
- open the Reader™ Library software and click “Library” in the left-hand pane and select the eBook to view it.
Need more help? Visit: https://au.readerstore.sony.com/apps_and_devices/
Amazon Kindle 2nd Generation devices
EPUB files can’t be read on the Amazon Kindle™. However, like most eReaders, Kindle™ 2nd Generation devices are able to display PDFs. We recommend that you download the PDF version of this booklet if you would like to read it on a Kindle™.
To transfer a PDF to your Kindle™ via USB cable from your computer or Mac:
- download the PDF directly onto your computer.
- connect the USB cable to your computer’s USB port, and the micro USB end of the cable to your Kindle™. Note: the Kindle™ won’t be available as a reading device while it is connected to your computer until it has been disconnected.
- open the Kindle™ drive and several folders will appear inside. The “Documents” folder is where you will need to copy or drag the PDF to.
- safely eject your Kindle™ from your computer and unplug the USB cable. Your content will appear on the Home Screen.
Kindle also provides a Kindle Personal Documents Service that allows users to send documents as an attachment directly to your eReader. For more information on this service, visit http://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html/ref=help_search_1-1?ie=UTF8&nodeId=200767340&qid=1395967989&sr=1-1
For more information on accessing a PDF on your Kindle™, visit www.amazon.com/manageyourkindle, log in to your account and click on Personal Document Settings.
Need more help? Visit https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=200375630
Android and PC
You can also download and open eBooks on Android devices and PCs with appropriate apps or software installed. Suitable eReader apps for Android include Google Play Books, FBReader and Moon+ Reader. Suitable software for PCs include Calibre and Adobe Digital Editions.
This information was last reviewed in April 2017
Support services
Caring for someone with cancer
Speak to a health professional or to someone who has been there, or find a support group or forum
Cancer Council Online Community
A community forum – a safe place to share stories, get tips and connect with people who understand
Cancer information
Emotions and cancer
People who are affected by cancer in some way can experience a range of emotions, that can be very challenging to deal with at times. Learn more.
End of life
This information may help you better cope with end of life, or support someone who may be dying with cancer
