How to help someone who is grieving

It can be hard to know how to help someone who is grieving. You may become lost for words or feel hesitant about offering practical assistance. Simply making the offer can let the person know they are not alone.

If you need to support grieving children, it can help to understand that they may react to death in a different way to adults.

Learn more about:

• How can I ease their pain?
• Will I say the wrong thing?
• When to suggest professional help
• Ways to help after a loss
• Helping children in your family

Listen to our podcasts on How to Help Someone with Cancer and Cancer Affects the Carer Too

How can I ease their pain?

If you know someone who is grieving, it is important to accept that you cannot and do not need to fix their grief. Grieving is the way we adjust to loss and it is a natural process. Be patient and give them time to grieve. Don’t expect a bereaved person to feel or behave in a certain way by a certain time. Allow them to do things in their own time.

It is understandable that the person may be easily upset, so try to be sensitive to this. Their feelings may change often and seem unpredictable. One day the person may feel hopeful, the next day sad and full of despair. These ups and downs are a natural part of grief.

While practical assistance can ease someone’s burden, especially in the days and weeks after the death, follow the person’s lead about how much help they want. Sometimes getting back into everyday routines, such as shopping and cooking, is how a person manages their grief.

Respond in the way you think is right for the relationship you have with the person. Sometimes this might be with a caring smile or offering a hug, other times it might be taking the time to listen.

See more on ways to help someone after a loss.

Will I say the wrong thing?

You may want to help, but fear saying or doing the wrong thing. Be honest right from the start. You may need to say, “I want to help, but I’m not sure what to do” or “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I do care and I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on”. Your honesty will be appreciated.

It is not helpful to say, “I know how you feel”. Each person grieves in their own way. You cannot know exactly how the bereaved person feels, even if you have been through a similar experience or if you are also grieving. Your experiences may give you a better understanding of the person’s situation, but remember that they may not react in the same way as you would or did.

Give reassurance where you can, but don’t try to find something positive in the death. Avoid saying things like “It was for the best” or “Their suffering is now over”. To empathise without suggesting you know exactly how they feel, you could say, “You’re in my thoughts, how are you feeling today?”  Or you could share a story about the person who died.

When to suggest professional help

It is normal for a person’s grief and sadness to go on for some months or longer. Sometimes, however, a person experiencing grief can become overwhelmed and may develop depression or suicidal thoughts. You could suggest that they seek professional help if they are having trouble completing the tasks of daily living or show any of the other behaviours associated with being ‘stuck or desperate’.

If you are concerned that the person may become suicidal, ask them if they think they are doing okay and encourage them to seek professional support. You may need to ask directly, “Have you felt suicidal?” This can indicate that you can offer help and take some of the power out of the feelings the person is having. Keep in touch if you are concerned about their wellbeing or safety.

Ways to help someone after a loss

	Listen – Be a good listener and don’t force someone to talk. Just being by their side may be enough. They will talk when they are ready. Follow their lead in how they want to express their feelings.
	Share memories – Talk about the person who died. Don’t be afraid that it will be upsetting. The person you are supporting won’t have forgotten about their loss. Friends and family members may use different names for the person who died – ask what name they would like you to use.
	Remember – Let the person know you are thinking of them on significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries.
	Step in – If needed, help with practical chores such as shopping, laundry, gardening, picking the kids up from school, caring for elderly parents, paying bills, cooking and driving.
	Stick around – Don’t withdraw your support once you feel the person is coping better. Grief from a major loss can take a long time. Your support may be more helpful months or even years down the track, rather than right after the death.