The diagnosis of a terminal illness may be a crisis for family and friends. How everyone responds can depend on their relationship with the person dying and their own beliefs about death. Natural reactions are shock, anger, fear, sadness or relief, or a combination of these.
Learn more about:
- Overview
- Anticipatory grief
- LGBTQI+ carers
- Saying goodbye
- When you don’t know what to say
- Making arrangements
Overview
People who are dying often say they want to talk about what is happening but they are afraid the topic will upset others. While starting the conversation can feel hard, sharing feelings can be valuable for both of you.
As the person you are caring for nears the final days of life, there are still many ways to spend time together:
- sit with them without talking
- read them a book
- look through old photos and talk about the pictures
- sing a song
- share some special memory or experiences you’ve had together
- tell them that you love them and that family and friends send their love.
For more on this, see When you don’t know what to say.
Anticipatory grief
When someone is ill for some time, it’s common for their family and friends to start grieving their death before it happens. This is called anticipatory grief. You might find yourself wishing for the person’s life to be over, or start thinking about how you’ll cope, the funeral, and so on.
All of these responses and thoughts are natural and okay. It may help to speak to a health professional or counsellor about how you’re feeling, or to call Cancer Connect on 13 11 20.
LGBTQI+ carers
Although all carers have the same rights, LGBTQI+ carers may worry about health professionals or the person’s family or friends accepting them. Talk to your GP about local services that can help.
You can also contact QLife, a national counselling and referral service for LGBTQI+ people. Call 1800 184 527, or see LGTBQI+ People and Cancer.
Saying goodbye
A life-limiting illness offers you time to say goodbye. You can encourage the person who is dying to discuss their feelings, and you can talk about your own in return. Sharing how you both feel can start important conversations that can be memorable. This is also an opportunity for you to tell the person who is dying what they mean to you and how you might remember them.
The person nearing the end of life may want to make a legacy, such as writing their life story or letters to family and friends. They may want to visit a special place or contact someone they’ve lost touch with. You can often find small, achievable, but very meaningful things to help the person (and you/those around them) say goodbye.
→ READ MORE: When you don’t know what to say
Podcast: Caring for Someone in Their Last Months
Listen to more episodes of our podcast for people affected by cancer
More resources
Fiona Wiseman, Senior Social Worker, Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, VIC; Grace Berwald, Consumer; Peta Brydon, Metastatic McGrath Breast Care Clinical Nurse Consultant, The Kinghorn Cancer Centre, NSW; Kate Bunyan, Social Worker, Psychosocial Lead, Cancer and Palliative Supportive Care, Canberra Region Cancer Centre, ACT; Hayden Christie, Medical Oncologist and Clinical Director Cancer Care Service and Clinical Lead of the VAD Service for Wide Bay Hospital and Health Service, QLD; John Clements, Consumer; Claire Davies, Spiritual Care Practitioner, Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, VIC; Joanne Dean, Nurse Practitioner, PEACE Team, Clare Holland House, ACT; A/Prof Michael Franco, Medical Oncologist and Palliative Medicine Physician, Deputy Head – Monash Medical School, Monash University, VIC; Dr Sally Greenaway, WSLHD Director of Supportive and Palliative Care, Senior Staff Specialist Clinical Haematology and Clinical Ethics Service, NSW; Maree Grier, Clinical Psychologist, Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital, QLD; Dr Catherine Joyce, National Manager, Advance Care Planning Australia; Mattesse Kitchin, Consumer; Penny Neller, Project Manager, End of Life Law for Clinicians, Australian Centre for Health Law Research, Queensland University of Technology, QLD; Caitriona Nienaber 13 11 20 Consultant, Cancer Council WA; Palliative Care Australia; A/Prof Joel Rhee, Head of Discipline of General Practice, School of Clinical Medicine, University of New South Wales, NSW.
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