- Home
- Cancer Information
- Advanced cancer
- Facing end of life
- Caring for someone nearing the end of life
- Providing physical support
- Choosing the moment to die
Choosing the moment to die
Sometimes people appear to pick the moment to die. You may have heard stories of some people holding out until a particular relative or friend arrives at their bedside, or until a special occasion occurs, before dying. Others appear to wait until their family or friends have left the room before they die.
It can be difficult if you’ve been sitting with someone for many days, and they die while you are taking a break. You may feel guilty or regretful for not being there for them at that crucial moment, but it may help to know that this might be the person’s preference.
What happens at deathNo-one really knows what death feels like, but we know what death looks like from those who have nursed a dying relative or friend. The person’s breathing will cease, although they may stop breathing for a time and then take one or two final breaths. As soon as the heart stops beating, the body rapidly cools down and takes on a pale appearance. The moment of death is sometimes described as being peaceful. Many carers say it was a profoundly moving experience and it felt like a privilege to be there. The memory of the final moments are likely to stay with you for a long time. |
We had all surrounded my father-in-law’s bedside, then we started to share the vigil in turns. When there were fewer people around, he passed away.
– Judith
Listen to our podcasts on Caring for Someone with Advanced Cancer and Caring for Someone in Their Last Months
More resources
Dr Megan Ritchie, Staff Specialist Palliative Medicine, Palliative Care Service, Concord Repatriation General Hospital, NSW; Gabrielle Asprey, Cancer Support Consultant, Cancer Council NSW; Rosemary Cavanough, Consumer; Louise Durham, Nurse Practitioner, Metro South Palliative Care Service, QLD; Tracey Gardner, Senior Psychologist, Cancer Counselling Service, Cancer Council Queensland; Karen Hall, 13 11 20 Consultant, Cancer Council SA; Linda Nolte, Program Director, Advance Care Planning Australia, VIC; Rowena Robinson, Clinical Advisor, Palliative Care Australia, ACT; Helena Rodi, Program Manager, Advance Care Planning Australia, VIC.
View the Cancer Council NSW editorial policy.
View all publications or call 13 11 20 for free printed copies.
Need to talk?
Support services
Support for carers
Speak to a health professional or to someone who has been there, or find a support group or forum
Cancer Council Online Community
A community forum – a safe place to share stories, get tips and connect with people who understand
Cancer information
Advanced cancer
Information for all stages of advanced cancer, from the initial diagnosis to palliative care and grief
Information for carers
Information for family and friends providing care to someone at any stage of cancer