When you don’t know what to say

In her book The Etiquette of Illness, Susan Halpern suggests asking, “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?” rather than “How are you feeling?” This approach is gentle and less intrusive. It also gives the person the choice to respond or to say no.

• Listen to what the person who is dying tells you. They may want to talk about dying, their fears or plans. Try not to prompt an answer that confirms what you think or your hope that things could be better. If you think they’d find it easier to talk to a spiritual care practitioner, offer to put them in touch with one.
• Try to treat someone who is dying as normally as possible and chat about what’s happening in your life. This makes it clear that they’re still a part of your life.
• Avoid talking in an overly optimistic way, for example, “You’ll be up in no time”. Such comments block the possibility of discussing how they’re really feeling – their anger, fears, faith and so on.
• Apologise if you think you’ve said the wrong thing.
• Let them know if you feel uncomfortable. They might be feeling uncomfortable too. It’s okay to say you don’t know what to say.
• Accept that you or the person dying may cry or express anger. These are natural responses to a distressing situation.
• Ask questions. Depending on how comfortable you feel asking direct questions and on their willingness to talk, you could ask, “Are you frightened of dying?” or you may prefer a softer approach, “I wonder whether there’s something you want to talk about?”
• Encourage them to talk about their life, if they’re able to and interested. Talking about memories can help affirm that their life mattered and that they’ll be remembered.
• Just be there. Sometimes it’s the companionship that is most appreciated – sit together and watch television or read.
• Even if they’ve shown no religious interest in the past, that could change as death approaches. You could offer to pray together, but respect their wishes if this is not something they want.