When children find out that the cancer is advanced, they may have similar but more intense
reactions than when they found out about the original diagnosis. Some studies of people with
advanced cancer show that family members often feel more distressed than the person with cancer.
This seems to be more common in families who have not spoken with their children about cancer.
Dealing with denial
Some people find it difficult to accept that their parent will never get better. This is a normal and understandable response to such a painful and difficult situation.
Try to be gentle with young people who have this reaction. Pushing someone to accept that their parent is dying may be stressful for everyone. It’s also unlikely to lead to acceptance.
While an impending death of a parent from cancer may mean that there isn’t much time, try to stay calm and be available to listen to your children’s fears and concerns.
When parents are separated or divorced
All families are different and sometimes family members may not be on good terms. This can affect the way they talk to each other and work through challenges, such as cancer.
In most cases, children of separated or divorced parents need to be given the chance to spend time with the parent with cancer.
If the parent is likely to die, it’s important that children are prepared for the loss, and that they have the opportunity to say goodbye.
It’s also important that a clear plan for the ongoing care of the children is agreed before the parent’s death.
If you need help in negotiating difficult family relationships at this time, it may help to talk to a hospital social worker.
48 hours
We were sitting in my sister’s lounge room again when Mum told me Dad was dying. I was like, “Are you serious? This can’t be true.”
From when Dad was first diagnosed with lung cancer to when he died was only 4 months. It was just so quick. The prognosis kept getting worse – first they said it was 12–18 months, then 3–4 months, then 48 hours.
I wasn’t there when he died. I went to a netball dinner. I didn’t want to be around it – that’s not how I wanted to remember him, it’s not what he was like. Dad told me, “Do what makes you feel comfortable. Do the things you need to do to cope.”
When your parent dies, it’s like a snow globe has fallen off a bench and cracked and snow is going everywhere. But the cracks get mended, maybe with sticky tape, and the snow slowly calms down.
IZZY, 15-YEAR-OLD WHOSE FATHER HAD CANCER
→ READ MORE: Answering key questions about advanced cancer
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Joanna Fardell, Senior Research Fellow and Deputy Director, The Behavioural Sciences Unit, School of Clinical Medicine, UNSW Medicine, UNSW, NSW; Dr Diana Adams, Medical Oncologist, Macarthur Cancer Therapy Centre and GenesisCare Campbelltown, NSW; Emma Bowne, 13 11 20 Consultant, Cancer Council SA; Ken Colbert, Consumer; Cara Dahl, Team Leader – Online Support, Cancer Hub, and ACA Registered Counsellor, NSW; Elizabeth Egan, Clinical Nurse Consultant – Oncology, St John of God Subiaco Hospital, WA; Dr Maria Ftanou, Director, Psychosocial Oncology Program, Peter MacCallum Cancer Centre, VIC; Nat Fuss, Senior Clinician, Canteen, SA; Helena Hobson, Senior Social Worker, Cancer Centre, Fiona Stanley Hospital and South Metropolitan Health Service, WA; Nadine Macbeth, Social Work Team Leader, Cancer and Chronic Care, Westmead Hospital, NSW; Damian Ragusa, General Manager – Services and Programs, Camp Quality; The Team at Redkite; Alexandra Wright, Consumer.
We would also like to thank the health professionals, consumers, organisations and editorial teams who have worked on previous editions of this title, and we are grateful to the parents and young people whose real-life stories have added to the richness and relevance of this booklet.
We also thank and acknowledge Dr Paula K Rauch, American Cancer Society, Macmillan Cancer Support, Jessica Watt and Diane McGeachy for permission to use their work as source material.
View the Cancer Council NSW editorial policy.
