Talking about the diagnosis

In this section we answer common questions people may have about talking about their diagnosis with their children.

Learn more about:

• When should I tell my children?
• Where should I tell my children?
• Should I tell them together?
• Who should tell my children?
• Looking after yourself
• How can I prepare?
• What do children need to know?
• Coping with kids’ reactions
• If your child is diagnosed
• When a sibling has cancer
• When another child has cancer
• Answering key questions
• What words should I use?
• Involving others
• Involving the school or preschool

When you first learn of a cancer diagnosis, you may feel shocked and overwhelmed. Among the many decisions you need to make will be when, where and how to talk to the children and young people in your life. Try to think of this as a series of conversations that evolve over time, rather than a one-off discussion. However you decide to approach these conversations, try to be open and leave kids with a feeling of realistic hope.

When should I tell my children?

It’s common to feel unsure about the best time to tell your children; often there is no right time. You may wonder if you should tell them soon after you’ve been told yourself or wait until you have more details about test results and treatment.

Although it is tempting to delay talking to your kids, try to tell them as soon as you feel able. Keeping the diagnosis a secret can be stressful, and your children will probably sense that something is wrong.

It’s also a good idea to tell children if:

• you think they may have overheard a conversation
• they are scared by adults crying
• they are shocked or confused by physical or emotional changes in the person who has cancer, especially if the person has symptoms such as frequent vomiting, weight loss, hair loss, or is admitted to hospital for immediate treatment
• you notice changes in their behaviour.

It may be hard to know how much information to share, particularly if you are waiting on test results. Your children don’t need to hear everything all at once. If you don’t know what treatment is needed, just say so – but also assure your children that as soon as you have more information, you will tell them. For example, “Dad is in hospital having tests. We’re not sure what’s wrong, but we’ll tell you as soon as we know.”

Let children know it’s okay to have questions at different times, such as during treatment, and to talk about how they feel at any time.

Mum was driving us over to McDonald’s when she asked me about cancer and what I knew about it. Then she told me about Dad’s leukaemia – what it meant, what it was doing and how it would affect him. I was sitting in the car park feeling pretty overwhelmed.

JAMES, AGED 12

Where should I tell my children?

Many people find that bringing up the topic while doing something else – like walking the dog or washing dishes – can help reduce the tension. This approach may be less intimidating than sitting down for a formal discussion, particularly if this is unusual for your family.

Try to find a time when you won’t be interrupted or need to rush off without answering all your children’s questions. Talking to kids before bedtime, school or an important event may not be a good idea. Ideally, you should tell them at a time and in a place where they feel able to listen and take in the news. For example, you may have the discussion on a weekend, so kids have the time to process the information.

It’s important that children are in a place where they feel safe so they feel comfortable to express emotions such as sadness or anger.

Should I tell them together?

If you have more than one child, you may wonder whether you should tell them individually or together. This will depend on the ages and temperaments of your children. You may need to use different language because of their ages. If you decide to tell them separately, try to tell them on the same day. Asking older children to keep the diagnosis a secret from younger siblings can add to their stress.

Who should tell my children?

In most cases, it is easier if the information comes from someone who is close to your children. Ideally, that will be the parent who has cancer, with the support of a partner or other close family member. Families can use language their kids understand and reflect on shared experiences in explaining the cancer diagnosis. This can help young people to understand the situation.

However, this is not always possible. Another adult close to your children, such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend, may be able to tell them or be present when you tell them. This may be particularly important if you’re a single parent. You may decide to share the news with the support of a member of your health care team, such as your general practitioner (GP) or hospital social worker.

→ READ MORE: How can I prepare?

Explaining Cancer to Kids

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