Talking about the diagnosis

When you first learn of a cancer diagnosis, you may feel shocked and overwhelmed. Among the many decisions you need to make will be when, where and how to talk to the children and young people in your life. However you decide to approach the conversation, try to be open and honest and leave kids with a feeling of hope.

Learn more about:

• When should I tell my children?
• Where should I tell my children?
• Should I tell them together?
• Who should tell my children?
• Looking after yourself
• How can I prepare?
• What do children need to know?
• Coping with kids’ reactions
• When another child has cancer
• When a sibling has cancer
• If your child is diagnosed
• What words should I use?
• Answering key questions
• Involving others
• Involving the school or preschool

Listen to our podcasts on Explaining Cancer to Kids and Family Dynamics and Cancer

When should I tell my children?

It’s common to feel unsure of the best time to tell your children; often there may be no right time. You may wonder if you should tell them soon after you’ve been told yourself, or wait until you have more details about test results and treatment.

Although it is tempting to delay talking to your kids, try to tell them as soon as you feel able. Keeping the diagnosis a secret can be stressful, and your children will probably sense that something is wrong.

It’s also a good idea to tell children if:

• you think they may have overheard a conversation
• they are scared by adults crying
• they are shocked or confused by physical or emotional changes in the person who has cancer, especially if the person has symptoms such as frequent vomiting, weight loss or hair loss, or is admitted to hospital for immediate treatment
• you notice changes in their behaviour.

It may be hard to decide how much information to share, particularly if you are waiting on test results. Your children don’t need to hear everything all at once. If you don’t know what treatment is required, just say so – but also assure your children that as soon as you have more information you will tell them. For example, “Dad is in hospital to have some tests. We’re not sure yet what’s wrong, but when we do know we will tell you.”

Let children and young people know it’s okay to have questions at different times, such as during treatment, when you are managing side effects and later during recovery, and to talk about how they feel at anytime.

Mum was driving us over to McDonald’s when she asked me about cancer and what I knew about it. Then she told me about Dad’s leukaemia – what it meant, what it was doing and how it would affect him. I was sitting in the car park feeling pretty overwhelmed.

  — James, aged 12

Where should I tell my children?

Try to find some time when you won’t be interrupted or have to rush off without answering all their questions.

Many people find that bringing up the topic while doing something else – like walking the dog or washing dishes – can help reduce the tension. This approach may be less intimidating than sitting the family down for a formal discussion.

Talking to children before bedtime or before an important event may not be a good idea. Ideally, you should tell them at a time and in a place where they are more likely to listen and take in the news.

Should I tell them together?

Depending on the ages and temperaments of your children, you may decide to tell them individually or together. You may need to use different language because of their age. If you decide to tell them separately, try to tell them on the same day. Asking older children to keep the diagnosis a secret from younger siblings can add to their stress.

Who should tell my children?

Deciding on the person to tell the children is another thing to consider. In most cases, it is easier if the information comes from someone who is close to your children. Ideally, that will be the parent who has cancer, the other parent or both of you together.

However, this is not always possible. Another adult close to your children, such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend, may be able to tell them or be there when you tell them. This may be particularly important if you’re a single parent. You may also decide to break the news with the support of a member of your health care team, such as your general practitioner (GP) or social worker.