Talking about the diagnosis

We answer common questions people may have about talking about their diagnosis with their children.

Learn more about:

• Who should tell my children?
• When should I tell my children?
• Where should I tell my children?
• Should I tell my kids together?
• Looking after yourself
• How can I prepare?
• What do children need to know?
• Coping with kids’ reactions
• If your child is diagnosed
• When a sibling has cancer
• When another child has cancer
• Answering key questions
• What words should I use?
• Involving others
• Involving the school or preschool

A cancer diagnosis can be overwhelming. Among the many decisions you need to make will be when, where and how to talk to the children and young people in your life. Try to think of this as a series of conversations that evolve over time, rather than a one-off discussion.

Who should tell my children?

In most cases, it is easier if the information comes from someone who is close to your children. Ideally, that will be the parent who has cancer, with the support of a partner or other close family member.

However, this is not always possible. Another trusted adult close to your children, such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend, may be able to tell them or be present when you tell them. This may be particularly important if you’re a single parent.

You may decide to share the news with the support of a member of your health care team, such as your general practitioner (GP) or hospital social worker.

When should I tell my children?

It’s common to feel unsure about the best time to tell your children. Often there is no right time. You may wonder if you should tell them soon after you’ve found out, or wait until you have more details about test results and treatment. Although it is tempting to delay talking to your kids, try to tell them as soon as you feel you can.

It’s also a good idea to tell children if:

• you think they may have overheard a conversation
• they are scared by adults crying
• they are shocked or confused by physical or emotional changes in the person who has cancer, especially if the person has symptoms such as frequent vomiting, weight loss, hair loss, or is admitted to hospital for immediate treatment
• you notice changes in their behaviour.

Sharing information gradually

It may be hard to know how much information to share, particularly if you are waiting on test results. Your children don’t need to hear everything all at once. If you don’t know what treatment is needed, just say so – but assure your children that as soon as you have more information, you will tell them.

For example, “Dad is in hospital having tests. We’re not sure what’s wrong, but we’ll tell you as soon as we know.”

Encourage open communication

Let children know it’s okay to have questions at any time, such as during treatment, and to talk about how they feel whenever they need.

The most important thing is honesty. Tell the truth, don’t sugar-coat, don’t be too over the top. Admit that it’s not going to be a walk in the park, but you’re not going to die tomorrow. The main thing is to be real.

IZZY, AGED 15

Where should I tell my children?

Many people find that bringing up the topic while doing something else – like walking the dog or washing dishes – can help reduce the tension. This approach may be less intimidating than
sitting down for a formal discussion.

Find a time when you won’t be interrupted and can answer all your children’s questions without
rushing. Ideally, you should tell them when and where they feel able to listen and take in the
news. For example, you may have the discussion on a weekend, so kids have the time to process the
information.

It’s important you choose a place where children feel safe and comfortable to express emotions such as sadness or anger.

Should I tell them together?

If you have more than one child, you may wonder whether you should tell them individually or
together. This will depend on the ages and temperaments of your children. You may need to use
different language because of their ages. If you decide to tell them separately, try to tell them on the same day so no-one has to keep secrets.

→ READ MORE: How can I prepare?

Explaining Cancer to Kids

Listen to more episodes from our podcast for people affected by cancer