How relationships can change

Taking on a caring role often changes relationships. For many carers, a cancer diagnosis affects the established roles they have with their partner, parent, friend, dependent or adult child, or sibling. This can be challenging and hard to adjust to.

Learn more about:

• Overview
• How cancer might change your relationship
• Ways to manage changes in your relationship
• Support for LGBTI carers
• Changes in sexuality and intimacy

Overview

The impact of cancer on a relationship often depends on what your relationship was like before the cancer diagnosis. You may find caring for someone strengthens your relationship with them.

For others, particularly those who had a strained relationship before the diagnosis, the pressure of a cancer diagnosis and treatment, financial worries and the demands of caring add further tension. In this case, you may find it best to share the caring role with other people so you are not the full-time carer.

It can be helpful to understand the potential changes that cancer can bring. Being open and honest can help you and the person you are caring for through the anxieties, sadness and uncertainty. This chapter discusses ways a relationship may change, and how to manage these changes.

I think sometimes trying to be his carer, his partner, his lover, his companion – just swapping between roles can sometimes be a bit tricky. It can be a bit tiring but I’m happy to do it. It’s more an issue of making sure I don’t lose myself and my own life in all of this.

Susan

How cancer might change your relationship

• I might need to take on new responsibilities that will reverse our roles.
• If I’m doing all the caring, they may feel like they’ve lost their independence.
• My concern might come across as being overprotective or controlling.
• I may feel like it would be selfish to talk about my needs when they are having to go through cancer treatment.
• I may avoid sharing how I’m feeling because I’m scared of overwhelming the other person when they have enough to worry about.
• The intimacy we shared might be replaced by the caring role.
• We might need to re-evaluate our priorities and set new goals or put them on hold.

Ways to manage changes in your relationship

• Talk about the changes to avoid misunderstandings. Discuss ways to meet each other’s needs.
• Allow time to get used to the changes, particularly if roles have reversed.
• Set boundaries to maintain independence and allow both of you to feel in control.
• Arrange home help if you or the person you are caring for feel uncomfortable doing the bathing and dressing.
• Give the person you’re caring for the chance to do things for themselves.
• Use touch to show you care.
• If you and the person you’re caring for find it difficult to discuss your different needs without both becoming defensive, consider seeing a counsellor or psychologist. They can suggest ways to approach such conversations.

Listen to our podcasts on Cancer Affects the Carer Too and Sex and Cancer