You may be nervous about starting a sexual relationship with someone new. It can be hard to know when to tell a potential sexual partner about any changes to your body (e.g. having a breast removed, trouble getting an erection, or living with a stoma). You may also worry about how someone will react to seeing you naked for the first time, or feel unsure about how to explain any issues with fertility.
Take your time and when you feel ready let a new partner know how cancer has changed your body. It may help to practise what you want to say with someone you trust. Think about answers to any questions your partner may have. Start with small amounts of information and share more details if they ask. See below for ways to start the conversation with a new partner. Before starting any kind of sexual activity, you may want to show them how your body looks now. This can help you both feel more comfortable and get used to any changes.
A sex therapist can also help you to understand and manage any underlying physical, psychological and emotional concerns. Ask your doctor for a referral.
Ways to start a conversation about sex
It can feel hard to know how to begin a conversation sometimes, especially about a sensitive subject like sex. Even if these suggestions don’t fit your situation, they might give you a good starting point.
| Talking with your partner | Talking with a new partner |
| “I feel like I don’t have the energy for sex, but I’m worried about how that makes you feel. Can we talk and work out a plan together?” “I’m happy to cuddle, but I’m not ready for sex – can we agree to just cuddle for now?” “There are some things we could try that may help us feel close and connected, without ‘going all the way’.” “I want to show you how I like to be touched and the places that are sore and out of bounds.” “I feel ready for sex again, but I’d like to take things slowly.” “I really miss our sex life. When can we talk about being physically close again?” “That’s the right spot, but a lighter touch would feel better.” “I’m not avoiding sex, but I don’t feel as confident about it since my body has changed.” “Can we talk with someone who can help us with our sex issues?” | “The cancer treatment changed my body. It’s hard to talk about the changes, but I want you to know that after treatment I now have… (e.g. a stoma/erection problems/ a narrow vagina).” “I really like where our relationship is going. I want to tell you that I have/ have had cancer. I’m afraid you might not find me attractive or that you’d rather be with someone who doesn’t have or hasn’t had cancer. What do you think?” “I’m still interested in sex, but we need to do things a little differently. Are you okay with that?” “I haven’t had sex since my cancer treatment, and I’m nervous about how it will go. How do you feel about taking things slowly?” “Before we get serious, I want to tell you how cancer treatment affected my fertility. I can’t have children naturally, but I want to be a parent. Would you be interested in exploring other ways of becoming a parent, if that’s something that we both see in our future?” |
→ READ MORE: Common sex questions
Podcast: Sex and Cancer
Listen to more of our podcast for people affected by cancer
More resources
Dr Michael Lowy, Sexual Health Physician, Sydney Men’s Health, NSW; Gregory Bock, Clinical Nurse Consultant – Oncology Coordinator, Urology Cancer Nurse Coordination Service, Cancer Network WA; Anita Brown-Major, Occupational Therapist and Director, Thrive Rehab, VIC; Helena Green, Psychosexual Therapist and Clinical Sexologist, Insync for Life Psychology and Women Centre, WA; Dr Lisa Mackenzie, Clinical Psychologist, HNE Centre for Gynaecological Cancer, Hunter New England Local Health District, NSW; Dr Tonia Mezzini, Sexual Health Physician, East Obstetrics and Gynaecology, SA; Sophie Otto, Prostate Cancer Nurse Consultant – Central Adelaide Local Health Network (CALHN), SA; Giovanna Raco, 13 11 20 Consultant, Cancer Council Victoria; Kath Schubach, Urology Nurse Practitioner, VIC; Emily Stevens, Gynaecology Oncology Clinical Nurse Consultant, Southern Adelaide Local Health Network, Flinders Medical Centre, SA; Anja Vukovic, Clinical Specialist Social Worker, Gynaecological Oncology, Westmead Hospital, NSW; Alan White, Consumer; Kathleen Wilkins, Consumer; Merran Williams, Consumer.
View the Cancer Council NSW editorial policy.
