Other people’s reactions

The reactions from your family and friends will depend on many factors, including their previous experience of cancer and their own coping styles. Sometimes people respond in ways that may make you feel hurt, angry or frustrated.

Learn more about:

• The different types of reactions
• How to manage misunderstandings

Different types of reactions

The different reactions from your family and friends may include:

Becoming very distressed – People often have a strong emotional reaction to the word “cancer”, but they may not be aware that cancer treatments and outcomes are improving all the time.

Saying the wrong thing – People often don’t know what to say. They may appear too positive or make light of your situation, or they may even say something tactless or ill-informed. Try not to take their initial reactions as a sign that they don’t care. They may need as much information, support and advice as you do. They might be fearful of losing you, frustrated they can’t do anything about the disease, or worried about how the illness will change their life.

Giving unhelpful advice – In their eagerness to help, people might offer confusing advice or want you to try new “miracle cures” that aren’t evidence-based. Let them know that you are making treatment decisions based on discussions with your medical team. Explain that every cancer is different and you need to follow the advice of experts.

Withdrawing from you – Some friends may seem to avoid you. They might feel like they can’t cope with what you’re going through. If you think not knowing what to say is stopping a friend visiting you, you could call them to put them at ease. You may find that talking openly about the illness and treatment helps everyone.

Give your family and friends time to adjust to the diagnosis. After the initial shock, most people will be supportive.

How to manage misunderstandings

After a cancer diagnosis, communication becomes even more important in your relationships. If you feel hurt by the reaction of someone close to you, a conversation may help clear the air:

• Make time to talk. Don’t wait for the “right” time – it may never come.
• Be honest about what you are thinking and feeling.
• Focus on understanding each other – at least at first, this can be more important than trying to solve the problem.
• Really listen to what the other person is trying to say and try to understand where they are coming from.

People usually don’t mean to make things worse. Their reactions come from their own difficulties in handling feelings such as fear and anxiety, or from uncertainty about what to do or say.

Dani

Podcast: Family Dynamics and Cancer

Listen to more episodes from our podcast for people affected by cancer