• Helping your family adjust
• Helping children cope
• Sharing without talking
• Easing the way for friends
• Going it alone
• People helping people

 

Many people find that talking about their feelings helps them to better accept the diagnosis and cope with the ups and downs of cancer.

While some people find it easy to talk about their feelings, others may never feel comfortable. You need to decide when you are ready to talk. It’s okay to tell people you’re not ready to talk and that you’d rather wait for another time. However, try not to put it off too long.

Research has found that support helps people adjust to the diagnosis. If you feel your family can’t or won’t understand, talk to a health professional or consider joining a support group.

 

Helping your family adjust

Cancer is difficult for everyone it affects. Your family needs to adjust to the diagnosis too. As you express your feelings, remember that family members may deal with their feelings in a different way.

• Your family may experience similar fears and anxieties, and need as much information, support and advice as you do.
• Family members might express their own hurt at your reactions to the diagnosis, at the possibility of losing you, and at their inability to do anything about the disease.
• Your family may also worry about how the illness will change their lives.

How your family communicates now may depend on how they have always communicated. Families who frequently share their feelings may be better able to talk about cancer and the changes it brings. Some families are more private or have one person who plays the major role in decision-making, and this may make it more difficult to communicate.

If your family has difficulty talking about cancer, it may help to speak to a counsellor or the hospital social worker. If family members deny the cancer diagnosis or refuse to discuss it, encourage them to come with you to the doctor or treatment centre. This may help them to better understand and accept your illness.

 

Helping children cope

Children might have difficulty coping with cancer in the family. Their parent or sibling may look different, or they may be in hospital or bedridden.

These changes can be frightening for children and may affect their behaviour. It is normal to wonder if behavioural changes are normal or a result of the cancer. Talk to a health professional if your child or teen’s behaviour changes significantly.

• Young children may become insecure and refuse to leave your side or behave badly to get attention.
• Older children may retreat or become much closer to the person with cancer.

 

Tips

• Tell children how you're feeling. Honesty and openness is important when communicating about cancer.
• Listen – give children a chance to discuss their feelings.
• Answer questions simply and honestly. You may like to ask a doctor to answer some questions.
• Reassure them of your love.
• Do things together. Read them a story, help with their homework or watch television together.
• Ask a favourite relative or friend to devote extra time and attention to them.
• Talk to their school teacher or school counsellor.
• Assure them that cancer is not contagious.
• Tell them that nothing they did or didn’t do caused the cancer.
• Assure them they will be looked after throughout your cancer treatment, even if you can’t always do it yourself.

 

More information

• Read When a Parent has Cancer: how to talk to your kids for more tips.
• Call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20.

 

Sharing without talking

Your physical health and emotions may fluctuate during and after treatment. It can sometimes be hard to let your family know how you’re feeling, and they may find it hard to ask.
If you are having trouble talking about how you feel, try:

• journalling, emailing or blogging – some people keep two journals: one that is private, and one to share with others
• drawing, making music or doing crafts
• using an emotions thermometer, which is a simple device that allows you to show how you’re feeling each day. To make an emotions thermometer, decide on the feelings you want on the thermometer and make a pointer that moves between the feelings. Put it up where everyone can see it, such as the fridge.

 

Easing the way for friends

Communicating with friends about cancer can be challenging. For example, you might want company or help around the house, but if your friends aren’t aware, they might stay away or only call and email.

Sometimes people will offer to help you, but in other cases you may have to tell your friends how they can assist you. It might be difficult to clarify what you need or ask for help, but try not to feel that you are a burden. Generally, people who offer support genuinely want to ease your load.

If you think of something family or friends can do for you, you’ll be doing both of you a favour.

 

When friends stay away

Cancer can change friendships. Some friends handle it well; others cut off all contact. Friends stay away for different reasons. They may not be able to cope with their feelings or they may not know how to respond to changes in your appearance. Your friends may still care for you, even if they stay away.

If you think that uneasiness rather than fear is keeping a friend from visiting, call them to help ease the way. Remember that you can’t always know or understand all the reasons why people avoid you. For example, some people believe that cancer is contagious.

Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself – are friends staying away or have you withdrawn from them to avoid talking about your fears and anxieties? You may find that talking about your illness helps everyone cope with it better.

Going it alone

Sometimes people with cancer who live alone can feel isolated. Even people who are surrounded by family or friends can feel lonely at times.

If you would like company and understanding, support groups may provide some comfort, encouragement or helpful strategies.

 

More information

• See Support groups.
• Call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20.

 

People helping people

Sometimes talking to family and friends isn’t enough. You may want to talk to a health professional. Most people have a treatment team that works together to provide care.

• Doctors and nurses: Prescribe and give the course of treatment and support and assist you through all stages of your treatment.

• Physiotherapist and occupational therapist: Help you to resume normal activities.

• Social worker, psychologist and psychiatrist: Link you to support services, talk with you about your feelings, and teach you ways to cope.

• Support groups: Offer support and information via group meetings, telephone or the Internet (call 13 11 20).

• Pastoral care worker: Helps you explore spiritual concerns.

 

More information

• To join a support or telephone support group, call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20.