Anticipatory grief

Some carers experience anticipatory grief. This is the grief you feel when you are expecting the death of someone close to you.

You may feel sad, down and depressed or become anxious and concerned for your family member or friend. Or you may find yourself preparing for the death and beginning to think about what life might be like once they are gone. It is common to have thoughts such as: “How will it be when they are not here? How will I cope on my own?” This doesn’t mean you are a bad or uncaring person.

A long illness can give family and friends time to slowly get used to the person dying, to say what they want to say or to share memories.

You may also feel anticipatory grief if the person you are caring for undergoes a change such as long periods of confusion or reduced consciousness. Although they are still physically present, you may feel as though you have somehow already lost the person that you love. This form of grief is a natural reaction to a very difficult situation.

There is also the grief for a life not led, and the loss of the future you may have imagined or hoped for with that person, and that things have not worked out as you had planned.

Even when a death is expected, it may still feel like a great shock and it doesn’t necessarily make the loss of the person easier to cope with once they have died. Sometimes the experience of anticipating the death and spending a lot of time caring for the person strengthens your relationship to the person, which can increase your grief.

Listen to our podcasts on Caring for Someone with Advanced Cancer and Caring for Someone in Their Last Months