The effect on partners

The emotional support provided by a partner can affect how you cope with the diagnosis. How you talk with your partner about cancer depends partly on how you’ve always communicated. Many relationships can be challenged by a cancer diagnosis. This may be because of several factors, including an uncertain future, financial worries after the diagnosis, and feeling isolated.

Some studies suggest that partners have levels of distress similar to or greater than those of the person with cancer, and as a result partners may feel depressed and anxious. Being open and honest can help you and your partner through any anxieties, sadness and uncertainty, and your relationship may become stronger.

At times, you and your partner may not share each other’s feelings, attitudes or opinions, and this can lead to tension. You may find it difficult if your partner doesn’t want to talk about the diagnosis or your treatment options with you. They may unconsciously distance themselves as a way of coping or protecting you, without meaning to be hurtful.

You could try telling your partner what you need most from them. Many people say that their biggest single need is for a sympathetic listener. Remind your partner that the important thing is not what they say but to be there and to listen. Let them know you are grateful for their support and that you understand it’s tough for them too.

Good communication with my partner was a blessing. It was the total difference in being able to cope.

    — Kaye

Changes in sexuality and intimacy

We are all sexual beings, and intimacy adds to the quality of our lives. During the initial shock of diagnosis, sex might be the furthest thing from your mind. Over time, you may have questions about how cancer can affect your sexual and intimate life.

Depending on where the cancer has spread, or the type of treatment you’re having, you can feel sore and find even a gentle hug uncomfortable. Your partner may avoid contact for fear of hurting you, or you may avoid physical contact for fear of rejection.

It takes time to adapt to physical and emotional changes. Most people find it is easier to re-establish contact by lying close together in bed. If sexual intimacy is no longer possible or desired, you may find physical closeness in other ways, such as cuddling, stroking or massage. Talk with your partner about your feelings and concerns about the sexual changes in your relationship, and acknowledge the changes in intimacy.

For more on this, see Sexuality, intimacy and cancer.

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