Grief can begin before someone dies

When someone is ill for some time, their family and friends often begin to grieve their death before it happens. This is known as anticipatory grief. While a lot of time and attention may be taken up with caring for a sick person in the family, it is common to think: “How will it be when they are not here? How will I cope without them?”

It is natural to try to picture the future without your loved one. This doesn’t mean you are a bad or uncaring person.

Even when a death is expected, it may still feel like a great shock. This can be especially hard if the person has rallied again and again in the past, and you may have thought that they would always “pull through” somehow. Sometimes the experience of anticipating the death makes you become closer to the dying person, which can increase your grief.

Some people are surprised by how little they feel or by having a sense of relief when the person actually dies, and say that they have done much of their grieving already.

This is also a normal response and doesn’t mean they are denying the loss or did not really care for the person. Other people don’t feel greatly affected by their loss at the time of the death, but find it harder as time passes. Again, this is quite common.

For more on this, see Living with advanced cancer, Palliative care and Facing end of life.